First questions/ conversations


What happened was I realized I was talking to God and God was answering me. Believe me, I did not ask for this, expect it or want it. But it kept happening.

No, I am not crazy. Check out my business website. I may be a bit out there, an old hippy, talking the consciousness vision on a straighter but still "higher"path. But I do have my marbles. That's one of the reasons I created this website. I see it, and my "advice" has led me to believe that it's a reasonable way to see where this all goes.


As you read this dialogue, the plain type, like you are now reading, is "me." The Bold italicized type is "God."

Read on!


If I meditate, will you come?

If I come, do you think it is because you meditate?

So, it doesn’t matter whether I meditate or not?

It might matter but it isn’t the issue. It isn’t the meditation that might bring me. It’s your coming to a place in your head which is open to me.

Well, you’re here, and I don’t really feel like getting a lecture on that... Well, maybe a lecture is okay. I don’t want to get cheeky. But I can get impatient-- to get to the real meat, though I’m not sure what it is-- maybe death, the meaning of life.

I stopped for a while-- played a game of solitaire. Put you on hold. Kinda rude, but I guess you have other things to keep you busy. This is very scary for me. Am I going crazy, talking to God?

Is this some massively narcissistic, egotistic thing I’m going through. It scares me, yet attracts me. Is it something that’s appropriate? Will I become so attached to it that I can’t do anything else? Is it good for me? Can I make a living at it to feed my kids.

I did it again. I went back to solitaire. Here I am, talking to God-- being availed an incredible opportunity and I leave it-- just walk away and go mentally masturbate with the solitaire.

Okay. I did it again. Played on the computer more, checked my e-mail, spoke to an old friend. Told him how I’m a bit wierded out by this talking to God business. And I stayed away. It’s easy.

Hell! Look what happened to Moses when he talked to God-- snakes, plagues upon plagues and then 40 years in the desert.

But I’m back, having learned a bit of a lesson. It’s easy to talk to God, even easier to not talk-- to avoid, to allow yourself to be distracted.


Okay. I’m here.


Does that use of yiddish mean you’re Jewish?

Yes and no. It doesn’t mean I’ve had a bris. Anyway, What does it matter. Should God believe in a specific religion? Religions tend to define God. God can respond in lots of different ways. Besides, just using a little yiddish, or Latin or Arabic or Swahili doesn’t mean anything about a person’s believe-- or God’s.

I kind of expect that these conversations will lead me to profound, deep insights, maybe revelations, and huge changes in my life.

Have there been any huge changes in your life lately?

I’m not sure. These conversations are special-- disconcerting, confusing, a bit scary.


What makes them scary?

I don’t know where they will go.




In traditional religions, to talk to God one must make an offering, say specific prayers, kneel, prostrate, etc. Here I am, sitting at the computer, so I can type this up, just finishing an egg and cheese sandwich, drinking a cup of coffee.


Did you make anything for me? Just kidding. I already-- back in the middle ages, and a couple of planets more recently.

Look. You’re here and that’s what’s important. When you are really here, then we can connect. And if you’re lucky, then you can hear me. I shouldn’t say that, since you take things so literally. It isn’t luck, it’s being ready-- receptive.

How do I know this isn’t just me making up words in my head.

It is. You are. But..... they’re divinely inspired. And that’s no big deal-- no reason to go on TV and claim, or ask for funds or contributions.

There. I felt it that time. I helped come up with the exact wording. My mind got into the "funds or contributions." It wasn’t just a thought popping into my head.

So? What’s wrong with giving me a little help. Your mind your brain is helping too. There’s no difference. It’s the outcome that’s what counts. Fuck the means.


See. that’s what I mean. Fuck is a word of emphasis in your vocabulary. I inspire at a more basic level and then you turn the inspiration-- my answers-- into words. Not that I mind the word fuck, or fucking for that matter.


Do you care about me?

I care about all. But I don’t pay attention to all.

Okay. I’m meditating. I want to talk. Will you talk with me.? Why should you?

I want you to.

It’s cool.

I need to.

it’s a good thing.

I can.


I’m always here

I’m always here

I’m always here.

I get it. You’re here. I’m always able to be here with you. It’s me that decides.

This seems like an important insight for me. But I wonder, if you’re always here, does that mean you are always watching me, or watching over me?

No answer. Maybe I’m being too intellectual.

I tried meditating on "I am that I am" what you said to Moses.



It seemed to work fine. I liked that I was using your words.


(recalled from morning mediation)

I read about how as Conversations with God goes from the first to the third book, Neal Donald Walsh changes his tone, so to speak, going from humble questioner, to a more confident tone.

What happens when my relationship with you has been going on for a longer time, when it gets older, matures, evolves, etc?


This relationship is like any other one.

Hmm. so if someone has problems with other relationships, then there could be problems with this one-- like trust, non-commitment, ambivalent borderline kind of stuff, jealousy?




Is there one religion you favor more than another.


No. It’s the pure heart, the purity of the spirit, not the vessel, not the signs. The clearer the soul shines through, the less vestments that get in the way. This is better. This I favor.

Jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. It’s the attachments that keep the soul and the heart from being pure and clear.

Is it possible to have material things and have money and to connect, to be with God?


More now. It requires more sacrifice, great kindness, generosity, not token gestures, like giving away spare change when billions (pause . Was it me then?)


Talking to God (on tape. I seem to have slacked off since I got the tape recorders.

I not only got one, I got two tape recorders.

And I’m doing it less now. because they are getting in the way"

Am I shy.

I think part of this is I am embarrassed about all this.

I’m not sure if it’s me or God, that I thought what came to my head also--

It’s not for me to put gods words into my voice directly, It’s in my head.

What about the shyness part, the being embarrassed about doing it, about ... regarding others, regarding myself.


It takes courage. You have to trust

You have to trust. You have to want to be receiving. You have to have an openness in your heart.


Is God a "you?"


If you need a me, I can be a you for you.

But I don’t want to know just what I need or I might need.. and do I need that God be a you.


For the sake of conversation "You" is handy-- better than thee or thou. Part of the issue is using words with simple terms. There is a dualism if I God say we because God is part of everything and everyone then that is confusing for the conversation. The problem is with the grammatical structure and the way humans beings conceptualize the discussion. So for the sake of convention "I" "You" "ME" that all works to make it simple and easier to have a conversation.

But the universe knows different ways of knowing who I am ...and I am that I am.

I am all. I am parts. It doesn’t matter. The questions of what matters are what is important. it doesn’t matter who I am. I am. It matter who you are, who you may become.


I started this relationship, this ability to talk to God and it feels really cool. it seems really amazing and also frightening. But Why aren’t I doing it all the time. It seems like an incredible opportunity.

Why do I only do it here and there? Why do I only do it in the car or just for brief moments when I think about it? And why don’t I think about it more? Why doesn’t it just come naturally to me to be thinking about it whenever possible, like the Cloud of Unknowing guy who always wanted to do it?

The answer that I get is that I don’t need it all the time. Maybe it wouldn’t even be good for me if I did it all the time. It could be bad for me. And God certainly doesn’t need me to do it.


So I just dropped off Elissa for school and mind goes

should I turn on Howard Stern... or God. Here’s the question: Is it God or Howard.


What the fuck do you want, entertainment?

Well that didn’t last long because I ended up stopping at the supermarket to pick up milk for the kids. And I picked up Elissa’s favorite spaghetti sauce on sale-- six jars.


Taking care of your children is good.

And I feel something I feel the kind of a feeling I get when I meditate for a while. Taking care of the kids is good. I’m not sure if this is me or God . I don’t know...

Doing stuff in service.... No that’s got to be me....


It’s hard to break out of patterns thought, actions, doing.

You can see how it doesn’t take any doing on my part to have all these people talking in ways that have nothing to do with who I am or what I ... find important.

So how do you break out. How do you stop thinking how other people have thought for 2000 years.


Do Be Do. ...being and doing.

these patterns wisdom and jui jitsu-- become self aware, recognize them

How do I recognize.


Ah, there’s the rub.

They’re all patterns. Life is patterns. Meaningful life is patterns. It ‘s not getting rid of patterns. The universe is patterns. It’s choosing the patterns, choosing the pathways, becoming conscious of the patterns is the first step

What is consciousness?


I am... a part of god the universe all.

Where does love fit in?


Love is all powerful. That sounds cliched but love takes you flying like birds, soaring

Love is energy.

Love is a higher energy.

Energy powers you to rise like the birds, effortlessly, like on thermals so you can reach to higher levels of understanding. Sanity, consciousness, dimensions hitherto unknown. Feelings of bliss. Love conquers all!


What is evil?


Evil is disconnection. Evil is cutting oneself off. The opposite of evil is love.

Do I have some kind of a mission, some kind of a job to do with this connection?


To let people know that anyone can do it.

To become more loving,

to personify that which is holy.

What is holy?


Holiness comes from your higher self.

Everyone can connect with be holy, with holiness.

There’s a way of being-- not a thing.

Holiness acts from the heart and the pure spirit. Holiness denies friction, embraces love, accepts faith

What is faith?



Is there more about faith?


Faith is as much about believing as it is about not not believing. Faith is about accepting what is hard to accept. Faith is becoming a child WITH God.

Faith is opening a lotus in your heart, opening your arms, opening your spirit to connect, to become a part of, to become aware of your being a part of all that is and ever was and ever will be.

Why me?


You were handy.

Why me? That’s a lousy answer.


You were open and going through the motions with your story. It was fun. This needs to be fun.

Okay, fun. Yeah.


Too much serious bullshit, balderdash, posturing, pontification-- needs to be fun. The universe is fun. Life is fun. People deserve to be happy. They get enough shit.


Gary asked me good questions. Does God evolve? Is God a child.? What’s the answer?


Ha ha Ha. Definitely a sense in my mind of a deep laugh.


God is everything-- playing, being, being born again every day a billion times and moments going from the cellular to the cosmic

Youth and wisdom, old and silliness.

They are human mind terms.

What is old? Is it wisdom? Is it rigid and foolish? Stuck?

What is love? Is it innocent and pure? Inflexibility? Is total balance? and tabla rasa? God is emerging, cocooning, ballooning, exploding, contracting dispersing. God is a thousand seeds, a billion spores planting growing, dying. God is death and life-- all the rainbows, all the layers all the spectra that emanate from any point, any moment.

What happens after you die?


Anything and nothing and everything in-between.

death is a dotted line It is a separation from the body for a time of reconnection and wholeness

weaving integration, spelling ....the unanimity, the oneness, at the same time, the individual merges ,

Self flies away to be lost, to be found later because self is of the earth. Self is an illusion. Self is of time and place.

Soul is of the I Am and the all.

Death is an illusion.

Death is for physical eyes-- the eye of the body.

Death is a joke to the dead. Life is an illusion, life is a dream. Life is ***** the eye

Life is space

Life is space and play of self knowledge

But is so limited, so constricted.

It is seeing one wavelength of the spectrum. It is mono vision ***** zero ***


It seems to me that some people would be really pissed about and offended by what I am talking about what I am doing, what I am thinking I’m doing.

They might say that I’m a fraud, I’m a liar, I’m a blasphemer. Am I? What do I answer? What is the answer to this.


You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t think this way. I came to you. People don’t have to believe in you. They can think that I’m a fool, or liar or fraud. It doesn’t matter.

You do what you need to do, you believe what you need to believe. If you need to believe that I’m a fraud, then I’m a fraud.

I don’t understand. Why am I speaking in my voice (saying I) when I think I’m getting the message.

Does it matter. Are you a spirit? Are you God?

If people think I’m a fraud what do I tell them?

You already have your answer.


It’s been a long time. It seems that since I saw Jane, things are not the same-- quieter.

I’m still here. Always am, always will be.

I want to be more connected with you. I like being tender hearted, like Jane says, or is it Athelia, her spirit guide?



Is there a way I can just open up and let you speak through me, like Jane does with AThelia,


Questions, it seems, are working now. Time will show us new opportunities. Let the light dance in the sky, in your mind as the rhythm of the days allows it to flow.

I want to do more with you to help people to help myself, without exploiting. But I’m afraid I’m being selfish too.


Good things will come. Be patient. Kindness begets kindness Love begets love, openness will find you answers and seclusion will find you alone. Reach out and discover the wonders of giving Take risks and learn how much you can achieve, not how far you can fall.

Jane says I’m a "great" healer. I’d like to help people. How should I go about this?


Heal yourself first. You will always be flawed and human, but be healthy, and love, love , love. Give without expecting and you will receive so much. Give because it feels good because it is your way, your responsiblity to yourself. Keep giving and giving and you will reap rewards, but they may not be monetary.

But I have kids I need to feed and clothe and I feel like my better half wants me to make more money.

This relationship does not have to do with making money. Money will tarnish, maybe ruin it. I am not here because ofmoney. Money doesn’t mean anything in heaven, in the other lives. Jesus was right about it. It’s much harder for a soul to be free when money ensnares it... its dreams and character.

Okay. So how do I stupidly move along. I feel so stupid, always asking asking.


Stupid isn’t the same as not knowing the path. Keep moving. Keep looking ahead. Like skiing moguls, you need to look further ahead and trust-- your reflexes, your experience, your skis, the universe, and me.

Okay. I love to ski, and I can see how I only sometimes am able to really let go on a mugul hill, really looking 50, 100 feet ahead, like Larry taught me. And I don’t get to go skiing more than a few,days, maybe 8, 10, or 12, if I’m lucky.

So how do I look further ahead and put my trust in my reflexes and you and the universe when I’m not skiing?


Open your heart. Open your eyes wider to see with the eyes of your heart, spirit, compassion, your special vision which is so creative. Start seeing beyond what is under your nose. Some of this is basic planning. Use a calendar. See your dreams a week, a month, six months, a year and more out. When you ski your best, you let go. You loosen your control and open yourself to the joy of the moment by looking ahead so far. There’s a paradox there between being in the moment and being in the future that is magical. It is real It is special. You can, must trust this. Shoulder your fears. They can harm you, can kill you, your vision and dreams.

I just sent my son away, not allowing him to put on the TV. I don’t feel good about it. But it’s the first time I’ve done it in a long time. He can watch in another room. And he really doesn’t need to watch at all. There. He’s reading instead of watching TV. That’s better. Now, the dogs are agetting wildly playful. Vanilla is chasing seasons because seasons is calling her. It’s part of the eating game.

Distractions. Life is full of them


Life is distractions. You just re-label the ones you approve of.

So we just select which of these distractions are interesting to us-- even work, relationships? Then what is not distraction? What is real, or important?


Nothing. It is not what is real or important that matters it is how you embrace, how you relate to the distractions you choose, or which choose you, since it can be an unconscious process too.

Distractions can choose me?


Different journeys intersect. Teachers have ways of finding us.

Us? You have teachers too?


What am I, chopped liver? I have needs and potentials to grow. What kind of higher being would anyone be if there were not potential to grow, to learn. Learning is forever. Growth stopped is the onset of death Dying comes in many ways. There are little deaths, when people stop breathing the spirit, stop letting their heart energy flow freely, stop seeing, believing--- and during those moments, those people are dying or dead, or at least parts of them are. And the people who love them, or need them or depend upon them will often begin to mourn them, or to become angry with them, sinc anger is a common reaction to dying.

What is it like to be God?

It is. I’m a regular guy. I like people. I’m a capricorn-- just kidding. More an aries with a Sadge cusp.

You might not be ready to know more about me. Yet you know more than you think you do. It’s better that y ou learn in other ways than just getting a straight answer. That’s so true of you in so m any ways, so many part sof your life. The answers will come. We’ll get to know each other better.

You’ll get to know me better?

Of course. When you make a new friend you get to know him or her better.

But it seems that I need to call you. Do you ever call me? I know I have friends who I usually need to call because they don’t call, but we are good friends just the same.. and my brother too.


You have to be able to recognize my ringing pattern. And when I call, it’s not like a phone, so the ringing pattern analogy isn’t really that good. But it worked to get you to the next thought.

It’s like the italicized words I put down, wherer I’m not sure it was you or me where the idea came from.


It all comes from you. It all comes from me... if you like. Subtlety, very subtle energies, channels, forces, ideas are the I call. Nature, yearnings, the need to pee or hug or look at a sunset. I don’t use AT&T.

So when I see nature, experience my body, you are there.


Always. ALWAYS.

This is not easy for me. As I’ve told a bunch of people now, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t used to be religious. Didn’t talk to god, except in a few desperate moments.


I was there.

But I mean, it’s hard for me to see myself as pious, or religious.


Then don’t be. Who needs that crap bullshit?

I made a typo there. Typed carp instead of crap. Should I leave the typos in when I write down these dialogues?


I don’t give a carap. That was a test. A different spelling thsi time. It’s all up to you. Freedom is yours. This relationship would be spoiled, bad, rotten, no good if you were under my control, dominion. Freedom is good. Choice is good, better. Choosing is not the same as freedom. It is beyond feedon (freedom)

(I scratch my head) I like this idea. It’s sort of obvious, but not explored. Reminds me of Skinner’s book, Beyond Freedom and DIgnity.


Freedom is permission. Choosing is taking action, using volition, embracing the empowerment you’ve recieved. And after choice is action and commitment-- flexible commitment-- like the mogul skiing, reflexively moving ahead, big, long vision carried by courage, faith and trust. Not just faith in me, but faith in you, But faith that is deserved, not a fool’s faith in a self which has not earned it. Faith in yoru own competence and potential, buffered by storong doses of reality.

Okay, so I get a calendar, start thinking ahead. Sounds like good old fashioned time management.


It is. There are gifts waiting for you, like the kids have in their video games. You just have to pick them up. And you have to be looking for them and you have to use them. One of them is time management. You can use this to be happier, stronger, more connected with God, more open, loving.

But I feel that a daily daykeeper or whatever you call them -- daytimer-- forces me into taking control in a way that I don’t like. I’ve tried them before and end up finding they accumulate dust.


So do some of your projects closest to your heart.

There’s a difference between letting go when you are challenging yourself, skiing moguls or trying out new dimensions of work or play, and being a slouch, not using tools and resources when you are not being challenged. Remember those distractions. Everything is a distraction. Your job can be a distraction from the people you love. The cosmic scales of balance use funny measures-- not grams or kilos, but love, passion, commitment, caring, depth, kindness, spirituality, evil, selfishness.

Love comes through in many ways. Do your time management lovingly, with love, like Rhonda does the laundry, as a meditation, so she is at peace with the work. You can treat it as a devotional time-- better than praying dry, dessicated, sandy old men’s prayers. Praying should bring you alive, not put you to sleep-- one of the little deaths.

You can pray by taking a nature walk, or doing daily chores-- ones that take good care of you or your loved ones, folding laundry, watering flowers, washing your hair, doing homework.

But there’s a difference between works. That’s why there is a sabbath. During the sabbath it is most important that you do not do things which take you away from this seeing ahead, from freedom and choices, and from being connected with the all. Some people (mispelling osme maybe osmosis) can be connected all the time, whatever they do, like Brother Lawrence but others need help. They are like slaves, automatons, the walking dead, going through this physical life disconnected, blind, asleep, unaware of all their possibilities.

I don’t know whether the sabbath does them any good. Going to church is good for some, and a rote waste of time and energy for others who have no spark, no electricity. And they can’t access the energy that is there waiting for them. When I say can’t I mean they don’t because they are asleep, and it is sad that so often the people who are supposed to facilitate their plugging in are not plugged in themselves. IT is the dead leading the dead. And they seem to find each other.

What about these televangelists who get into politics and the like?


Sigh. Another time. Enough to say that there are good and bad people-- souls-- everywhere.


March 12, 2000

Should I create a website? I registered the URL


It depends on your intention. What is your intention?

I don’t know. I want to share my experience with others-- I think. I want to get some feedback. I want to try to understand what’s been going on with me. And if it is helpful to others, then I want to share my experience.

I would like to find some positive meaning that transcends our/ this inner dialogue. I see how Neal Dona;d Walsh is making a living at something similar, and I would like to be able to apply what I am doing in a similar way.

But I know it won’t work if ego, or selfishness is involved. Well, I don’t think it will work. It’s hard to always be detached from these. And I do need to make a living.

Maybe the way to do this is to just move this whole dialogue onto the web.

One advisor, and her spirit guide assures me that I should not do it anonymously. I thought about doing it that way because then, I would reduce my exposure to criticism, and mocking, which I am pretty sure will eventually come. I expect that I have friends and acquaintances who won’t understand. There may be colleagues who literally question my sanity and my judgement.

March 12, 2000

Should I create a website? I registered the URL

It depends on your intention. What is your intention?

I don't know. I want to share my experience with others-- I think. I want to get some feedback. I want to try to understand what's been going on with me. And if it is helpful to others, then I want to share my experience.

I would like to find some positive meaning that transcends our/ this inner dialogue. I see how Neal Dona;d Walsh is making a living at something similar, and I would like to be able to apply what I am doing in a similar way.

But I know it won't work if ego, or selfishness is involved. Well, I don't think it will work. It's hard to always be detached from these. And I do need to make a living.

Maybe the way to do this is to just move this whole dialogue onto the web.

One advisor, and her spirit guide assures me that I should not do it anonymously. I thought about doing it that way because then, I would reduce my exposure to criticism, and mocking, which I am pretty sure will eventually come. I expect that I have friends and acquaintances who won't understand. There may be colleagues who literally question my sanity and my judgement.

So, why should I put my name on this?

I know, that, as my advisor has said, making it anonymous would raise doubts among any readers.

On the other hand, keeping my name off would be a way of keeping ego out. Or would it?

Anyway, one decision is to create a website at all, whether I put my name on it or not. I guess, since anyone can check who owns the website at the internic’s WhoIs, the question is only a matter of one level of confidentiality-- a mere chimera.

Okay, so practicality provides one possible answer.

So let’s get back to the more important question.

Why start a website like this?

What should I put on it?

What should its purpose be?

Should I create a listserve, or some kind of upload capability so others can upload their conversations? Or should this just be my own talks?

Should I offer to ask questions for others, and get answers?


Maybe I should just get it started, and see where it goes.

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